I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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