I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
