Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
