While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
