3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
