you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
