I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
