The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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