I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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