I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You are a booty call, not a friend.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
