two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
