Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
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she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
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The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.