dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
worst night to have a conscience
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
