umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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