i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
