Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
