Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
