I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
