Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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