Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I have post one night stand depression
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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