it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
