we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
