i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
