Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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