Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
This gyro tastes like lonliness
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
