Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
