I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
