I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
