I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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