To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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