I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
