I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
