he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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