Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
