I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
