: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
