You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
