I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
