At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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