im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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