the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
