i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
