bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
