he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
