if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
