we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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