my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
FUCK WHALES
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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