I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
