Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
