i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
