How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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