dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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