i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
