Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
