seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
