I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
