she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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