it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
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He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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