I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
