there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize