i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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