I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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